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Giving Thanks…Moving Forward and Letting Go

Thanksgiving, not just for eating yourself silly with Turkey and the fixings, not for just watching the game (although, I know some of you beg to differ) and not for those snoozes after being so full you swear your belly is about to burst, nah you just very flatulent. Anywho, this Thanksgiving I had a quiet and uneventful day, and it was one of good food yet relaxed and I got my much needed rest, I watched “Friends” marathon then onto “Modern Family” and wish I had a friend like Gloria in my life. I was pondering what I was going to write about this week and what kept coming back to me in light of recent events in Ferguson and then the further unfortunate event in Cleveland with regards to the shooting of the 12 year old boy I thought we should be “Thankful” for the humanity of many that have shown empathy and compassion for what is going on in the world today. I’m “Thankful” for the power of prayer and faith in something more powerful than me or any man or woman. I’m “Thankful” for coming to the conclusion that everyone doesn’t have to agree with my personal opinions, thoughts or actions nor do I have to agree with theirs. I’m “Thankful” I have been forgiven over and over again by my children, my loved ones and friends (well, my true friends) because although it is…difficult to do at times, it is possible to come out on the other side of a “harmful” act and move forward with forgiveness and love, and gratitude that the person has shown regret and apologized. It took me years to learn how to do that…Apologize, but once I did to those I either harmed intentionally or not…It was a gift when I did so not only for them but for me, a weight lifted off of my shoulders, so whether they clearly forgave me or not I did the right thing, that feels good to do the right thing. I pondered the “ending” of some long held relationships I once cherished and I have been grieving those relationships for awhile but after many prayers, tears, anger, and finally some words of advice and encouragement from my own children I am ready to allow those relationships go and remember “only” the good that we shared in the past and know as my daughter says “some relationships have expiration dates” or otherwise are only meant to be for that specific time period. I get it, don’t like it, but I accept it now. I pray for peace with them and theirs and for my own self and my feelings about the circumstances that led us to this point. You cannot change others opinions of you but you can keep striving to be better. Being Better and Learning something new daily is my goal with the rest of my life. I know God didn’t allow me to just keep living the way I was before Cancer, nonchalant and not a care in the world. Until something rocks your world (and not the Michael Jackson song) you are self-centered and tend to forget who runs things..hint..God. I choose to follow his lead, I don’t where I’m going exactly but I sure pray it’s a road of helping and doing what’s right, be a blessing in whatever capacity I can. As a disabled veteran I want to help more vets, I want to speak to more groups and audiences about my surviving and living with advanced breast cancer, I want to be a beacon of hope, resources and a friend/helper if needed. I don’t have a whole lot, but I have a need to “do” and a big heart. I pray that you’ll move forward too in whatever your path and faith takes you, believe…hope…dream…pray. Love Kim…see ya next week.  ***Oh, by the way my theme song for today is “Brenda Russell – A Little Bit of Love.

Sunday Inspiration

It’s Sunday, I love Sunday’s because it’s much better than Monday, at least to me. I was thinking earlier today that I am more blessed than I realize. It’s hard sometimes not to feel “Blah” or “Sorry for yourself”…Yet don’t give in to it. It takes practice, especially after living through any type of life threatening illness. You come face to face with your mortality and that’s scary. Anyone who says they are not afraid I would trust they are either kidding themselves or just outright a liar, liar pants on fire! I know I keep coming back to “One” the “Only” thing that helped me climb out of my pit of “Woes Me” and my own pity pot, it was my Faith. Even when it was indeed as small as a mustard seed or in my case poppy seed I held on, I was conversing with God daily, even while sitting on the pot (literally) I had too, it was as if I knew talking too, crying too and sometimes just being still was enough….He already knew, all the things I felt inside. I had to kick cancer out of my life and the only way I knew how was to pray. I also knew that one of the most important things for my healing was to laugh in the face of this devil, that is what I call any disease that tries to take over your life, killing you and taking you away from all that you are and to all whom matter. I had already decided that I wasn’t going no…where…I have always enjoyed a good fight, not necessarily literally but figuratively…I can hold my own in a discussion and yeah…ok…ok..literally. Cancer had met it’s match in Kim..ber..ly. You have to look at life like this…You have a whole lot of loving to do, living to do, laughing to do, drinking to do, eating to do, and learning to do. Learning about who I am and what I’m supposed to do on my journey that is still incomplete is very important, my daughter’s albeit adults now they still need their mother. I want to be there for them, I didn’t at one time believe I’d be there to see my youngest graduate from high school but I did! Plus, got to drop her off to college myself. I got to see my eldest get married, watch her be in love with her husband and see my other daughter give herself to God’s Glory by being saved and turning her life around splendidly. It’s my gift and honor to trust in his light and joy for me, that life isn’t all bad. Bumps and Bruises or Ouchies as I call them will heal, scars aren’t always ugly, they are your badges of success showing you kicked Ass. Something earlier yesterday disturbed me a bit and hurt me but I was able to put it into perspective and brush it off after looking at it for what it is and knowing that “it’s alright”, pray about things that hurt or discourage and leave it…Trust. I hope you all have a perfect day, and I will reach out on Turkey Day or Gobble Feast Day.

Dream, Fairytales, Wishes and Prayers

Let’s begin..It’s been months and months since I’ve been tossing this blog around in my head, in my dreams, my discussions, my writings on yellow stickies, my journal and whatever my pen touches to paper.

I wanted to share not only my living with advanced breast cancer but the fact that if you aren’t careful the cancer will be taking over your life instead of you “LIVING” as you should “FULLY” because it’s so easy to give into the depression, fatigue, and distancing yourself from being who you were before Cancer invited itself into your life and that of your loved ones. Actually, that has been my issue the last few months, I had been on this HIGH of surviving and taking care of my daughter’s and others I love and care for but seemingly lost myself yet again. It is also a habit to be comfortable in what you “knew” and not what you now “know”, things change, people change, both family and friends. You adjust or at least try too. It isn’t easy, it can be lonesome as you tend to “isolate” yourself and I can’t explain whether it’s for my own protection or someone on the outside. I just know that I have got to shake it off and get back to being who I know I am “inside”, I will never quite be who I was before but I believe I have grown and changed in a way that without cancer intruding I wouldn’t be who I am Today. I recognize all that I am, what makes me special, beautiful and enough. I still love writing poetry and short stories, I sing and want to do more of it getting back to what I used to do in my past when I was fearless, that girl is still inside and is awakening to the changes and has a story to tell. The woman that I am still believes in spite of my multiple surgeries due to my Cancer I am still lovable, sexy and beautiful and my scars only show the strength and courage of what I endured to still be here, the kick ass attitude in my fight and smile that at times masks my tears. I depend on my faith to keep me strong, I pray about everything and for everyone and recognize how blessed I truly am. I see many pass on fighting this disease with all their might only to be taken away in the arms of the angels and have wondered at times “how did I get so lucky?” why them and not me? It goes back to what the gospel song states “Please Be Patient With Me…God Is Not Through With Me Yet.” That being said, I need to recognize the gift I’ve been given and use my time, my life to do better, be better and offer some hope, laughter and extend love in whatever capacity it is needed. You’d be surprised how a song, an article, a story, a poem or psalm can uplift someone, as Oprah says an “Aha” moment. That’s actually what I like to say is “ALL HEAVENS ANGELS”…A.ha….Sending a message you can adhere to and use in a way it benefits another or you and yours. Be Kind…Always…Be Kind, it means so much.

Getting adjusted to the new boob…do I get the nipple or no??!! Just Happy I Match…LOL

Although I had my reconstructive surgery in June it took awhile to get used to the fact I’m finally matching again…no more folding of the arms or wearing baggy shirts/blouses. Actually I’m enjoying the fact until I shower or something I don’t notice any differences any longer as I had been experiencing during the past five years since my Mastectomy. I have a dilemma, my plastic surgeon wants to discuss finalizing one thing…A nipple. I dunno if I want to go under the knife again to create what I once had. I’ve got the boob, why do I need the nipple, I don’t really miss it, my kids are beyond breast-feeding, and really what’s the big deal? I’m just happy to be still alive living my life. Speaking of living my life…I haven’t been on another date as of yet, too busy and besides I’m still recovering from my last date. He is definitely what I “Don’t” want in a man. I feel by late summer or early fall I’ll be ready to move it along in the dating world, besides it’s really time to focus on “Me”, I haven’t done that before and I’m going to indulge in some things that I’ve longed to do. Raising my daughters has been a joy and I just want to spend some time doing things I’ve passed up in order to be a ever present Mom. I’m reminded that when I was first diagnosed with Breast Cancer would I see my baby girl graduate, and that has been a gift given by God as far as I’m concerned. I’m still here, and I remember many nights when I was awake I’d dream about stuff I never did, and today I don’t want to dream about those things I want to do those things. My first trip I’m planning will hopefully come to fruition next year. I want to go to the countryside  of France and Belgium. Then for my 50th birthday I want to experience Hawaii and the Fiji Islands. I’ve been so consumed with feeling bad being single that I’m going to enjoy this single life exploring all the dreams and wishes I’ve wanted to experience. I don’t need a partner to do these things, all I need is my passport. Keep you posted on some other things, until I get the hang of this blogging. I’ll begin being more consistent by next month, I promise…Lots going on this month. Like College Tuition…and Learning about being an “Empty Nester”.